rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
