Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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