Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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