went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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