I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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