so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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