I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Randomize
