Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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