I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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