when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
