Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
