oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I need to stop coming to work sober
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
