If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
