The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
