OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
