he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
