The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
