her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
