A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
