mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There was a lot of him and a little penis
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
