It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I cut my penus on the lid.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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