I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
