This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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