I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
