Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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