Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
