don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
