I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
