yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
