Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂