you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
