He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
