Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
