I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
