I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You ate ashes out of my bong
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
