I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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