I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
