I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Someone signed my nipple.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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