so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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