In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
