I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
