I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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