Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There r osticjed everywhere
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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