Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
