Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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