when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
