You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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