Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
