tell your sister to shave her snatch
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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