This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
