apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
