nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
