Already got asked if we're dating
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Randomize
