We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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