Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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